So today I’m coming to you live from my sofa. We’ve got two things going on. North Carolina is taking on Oklahoma for a trip to the Final Four. I’ve got Oklahoma in my bracket. I don’t like Tyler Hansborough. I like Blake Griffin. 

Secondy, BP is drafting his baseball team. If you read my fantasy baseball column a few days ago, you know I’m adopting his team. So from here on out, when referring to “his” team, I will be calling it ‘our” team, even though it’s his team. 

Pre-Draft

We’ve decided to keep Josh Hamilton and Albert Pujols. Two heavy hitters. Hopefully they can put up the same numbers they did last year. Right now BP has the fifth pick and is deciding whether to draft Johan Santana or Carlos Beltran. My vote is for Beltran since apparently he can pick up CC Sabathia later so I think he should stock up on sick hitters that put up numbers across the board. He seems to be leaning towards Johan. For some reason I just feel he’ll get injured just like every other big time pitcher the Mets sign to big money. We’ll see. 

The entries for the rest of the column will be on a real-time basis. Parts will be from the basketball game, some from BP’s draft. 

• He just told me Johann’s stat line in a meaningless spring training game. We’re off to a good start. To quote Major League II: “Off a guy who’ll be bagging groceries in a couple of weeks.”
• Tony Crocker wears long sleeves to play basketball, I don’t know how that’s possible.
• I hope they show Hansborough’s mom. She’s hot.
• BP’s draft starts in two minutes.
• Mmmm 84 slices of pepperoni for only $11.99
• BP says it’s impossible to prepare for a baseball draft. I’m glad this is who is gonna get me back into baseball.
• Pick 1: He’s taking Johan. My money is on Tommy John surgery, but hopefully not. And Pujols is his automatic second round pick.
• If you’re a male cheerleader, do you put that on your resume, or pretend it never happened?
• I hope Griffin abuses Hansborough
• Griffin just abused Hansborough for a rebound and draws the foul. I sense foul trouble for Tyler.
• BP asked me about Carlos Quentin. I don’t know who that is.
• He keeps saying Oh My God.
• Pick 3: He just took Brian Roberts. In his exact words “Worst Pick of the Draft”. We’re off to a good start. I can’t wait to see who he takes fourth. Apparently he needs Adam Dunn for his next pick and then Edison Volquez. Problem solved.
• BP asked me to get him a Jack and Coke. Ok.
• Oklahoma has 5 team fouls 4:30 into the game. Someone on the referee staff has the Heels in their bracket.
• If someone takes Volquez, BP is gonna jump out the window.
• Oklahoma looks hesitant. Hopefully this doesn’t turn into a blowout, I don’t want this baseball draft providing my Sunday afternoon entertainment. Three more picks until we select Volquez or Dunn.
• Pick 4: BP just threatened to kill Mandell if he took Volquez. He didn’t. Lucky Mandell. He took Volquez. I’m not sure I like our team right now. At this point we’ve got Pujols, Hamilton, Johann, Roberts, and Volquez. Eh.
• Foul #2 on Hansborough. Have a seat big guy. I like your mom.
• We need Dunn. Roberts doesn’t get RBI’s and we’ve got enough pitchers. Magglio would be solid too but he likes Hugo Chavez so I’m gonna pass on that dumb Venezuelan. Plus he’s old as BP just informed me. And he has a gay haircut. Not a lot of positives here.
• “Oghhh. Look at those tiny little burgers. Adorable.” That girl is so hot.
• See ya later Pappleboner. There goes one golden team name.
• Pick 5: Oh no. We lost connection there for a second. We got it back. BP likes his team so far. Good thing he recovered from that Roberts pick. He just took Dunn. Yay for home runs and nothing else. BP wants me to tell everyone that he took Volquez because it’s a keeper league. Done.
• He’s wants James Shields now because his wife is hot. I don’t disagree. We sat behind her at Marlins game once. I saw more of her than the game.
• Hansborough just got beat off the dribble again. NBA players everywhere are salivating.
• Pick 6: Shields got taken. That’s ok, his wife wasn’t that hot. Zombrano now. Mandel took Zambrano. He’s a dead man. Ugh. Looks like we’re taking Magglio. Yup. Magglio.
• We’re not happy about that pick. Evidenced by Bryan saying “Fuck bro. No bueno.” He’s working on his Spanish.
• No 7th round pick since he’s kept Hamilton from that round.
• Lots of airballs from North Carolina, though still holding onto their lead. This is why I like pro sports better than college sports. The participants don’t suck.
• Heff keeps taking all the players BP wants.
• Pick 8: He seems hesitant to pull the trigger on anyone. Time is running out. He took Joaquim Soria. Closer for the Royals. But that’s not who he wanted at all. I wouldn’t take him either considering the Royals won’t win a game all year. At all. He’s doing a good job here. He says his next pick is gonna be Matt Weiters but someone will take him.
• Whoa. Blake Griffin with a great shot with 2 seconds left. He’s legit. He’s got ten points on like 5 shots and I’m sure has 9 or 10 rebounds. Nine points game at the half. Oklahoma hasn’t’ made a three pointer and has been turning the ball over. This could be worse. It could be shaping up like BP’s draft.
• Pick 9: Who’s he gonna take? Oh my god. He says that a lot. We’re between Weiters and Andre Ethier. Potential team name here if he takes Weiters. Done and done.
• He just remembered that he forgot about Cameron Maybin. Clearly he’s done his research.
• Pick 10: He doesn’t know who he’s picking. Who’s it gonna be? Ahhhh rotoworld isn’t loading. Shoulda done your research. Cameron Maybin it is. Go Marlins!
• His glee has now turned into regret. “Wow, I definitely did not want to take him.”
• “I should have taken Andre Ethier. You’re so stupid Bryan.”, says Bryan
• Pick 11: Once again, he’s not sure who to take. He’s taking Johnny Peralta. Catcher? Nope. Shortstop. Mandell keeps taking all the guys we want. He’s a dead man.
• Mad peeps have been picked.
• Pick 12: Hopefully we get? He doesn’t want to say who he wants for fear of Mandell hearing it from Hollywood. He wants Ted Lilly. Ted Lilly it is. Great Success.
• Hansborough just traveled. I wish they’d show his mom already.
• Pick 13: The three guys we wanted just got taken. God damnit. Uh oh. Chris Volstadt. Another Marlin. Lots of pitchers.
• There are no pitchers left. Apparently we have them all.
• North Carolina simply doesn’t miss shots today.
• Pick 14: Gil Meche. Picther. What a surprise. I wanted Alex Gordon.
• This basketball game sucks.
• We want Mark Reynolds as our third baseman. Wait, breaking news. We may not. Yayyy we got Mark Reynolds
• Ugh. Bryan just farted. I don’t know what he feeds himself, but those things are deadly.
• Pick 16: Paul Maholm is who we want. I don’t know who any of these guys are at this point in the draft so I’m done here. We’ll post his full team later. I’m gonna go on a run. Adios amigos.